Learning How to Thrive in Hardship

Clairbourn School has a long history of partnering with its parents to ensure that the whole school community remains healthy, strong, and productive even in times of difficulty. As an educational institution, it is natural to turn to the experts and discover what they have to teach us so we’re mentally equipped for tough times. The good news is, there are plenty of proven ways to bounce back from, or thrive in hardship and break away from frustration, depression, and burnout. The data shows we have the ability to control up to 40% of our happiness, and the strategies we can learn are surprisingly accessible and achievable!

In a recent Medium article, “What People Who Live Long—and Through Pandemics, War, and More—Have in Common,” Dr. Leslie Martin, co-author of The Longevity Project, shared “… the way we respond to a test like this and the mental perspective we take can make a difference.” According to her findings, indulging in mental scripts of frustration, resentment, anxiety, and dire predictions does not help us survive and thrive. Paradoxically, being especially carefree and optimistic does not lead to longevity either.

“In terms of personality characteristics, the strongest predictor of a long life was being high on conscientiousness. ’Conscientiousness’ refers to someone who is organized, prudent, and persistent in their pursuits. When they take on a task, they don’t give up easily. Conscientious worriers tend to put their fretting to good use: They make choices or changes in response to their concerns. Their worrying is productive, not pointless,” says Martin.

In other words, they have frustration tolerance, and that is one of the most valuable learned behaviors we can cultivate as the disruptions from the pandemic continue. It can save us from developing addictive and self-medicating behaviors used to mask the discomfort from anxiety, depression, and fear.  Linda Esposito in a Psychology Today article, “Frazzled: High Anxiety and Low Frustration Tolerance,” shares that “Frustration tolerance is the ability to overcome obstacles and withstand stressful events. Low frustration tolerance occurs when a goal-oriented action is delayed or thwarted. Frustration tolerance is a learned behavior that can be strengthened with mindful attention, time, and patience….”

An exercise practice is proven response system to maintain well being and combat stress.

But how can we be patient and tolerant of hardship when the setbacks to our businesses, finances, education, and relationships are so severe? It can be tempting to believe our happiness and life satisfaction will never recover as we see the loss of life, burdens, and challenges mount up.  But research shows, that humanity is resilient. We can still learn to thrive or bounce back even if we face ongoing challenges, setbacks, and disruptions, or don’t get what we want.  Happiness is not dependent on a lack of stress or hardship. While it may disappear for a while, happiness comes back if one learns to cultivate helpful response systems and mental perspectives.

Harvard social psychologist Daniel Gilbert is a researcher of human happiness, and twenty five years ago, his entire support system fell apart. His marriage ended, his son started having problems, and both his mother and his mentor died in a short period of time. He recalls in the New York Times article “The Smiling Professor” by Claudia Dreifus, “What I soon found was that, as bad as my situation was, it wasn’t devastating. I went on. The truth is, bad things don’t affect us as profoundly as we expect them to. We certainly fear…the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a serious challenge to our health. But when those things happen, most of us will return to our emotional baselines more quickly than we’d predict. Humans are wildly resilient. We know that the best predictor of human happiness is human relationships and the amount of time that people spend with family and friends. We know that it’s significantly more important than money and somewhat more important than health. That’s what the data shows.”

Anxiety expert, Dr. Jennifer Able’s blog post about “Anxiety During the Coronavirus” shared, “The happiest people are those who have lived through adversity, not those with an adversity free life. While it may take time, I believe that many of us will be a little bit happier when it’s over. About 50% of our happiness is genetic—and get this: Only 10% of what determines happiness is our circumstances – income, where you live, age, social status. This includes our stay-at-home order!  The good news is 40% is determined by intentional behaviors—things we can control right now.”

While about 1/3 of the strategies above fall into the self-care category, the last one on generosity is especially important to highlight. It is a happiness powerhouse! Not only can it give you meaning, a reason not to give up, and increase your feelings of connection, but it can also teach a valuable lesson to children. They are watching how the adults are handling these unusual circumstances, and it is so important to teach them how to face challenges, to persevere, and to turn outwards and to help others when we’re hurting—even if it is in the smallest of ways.

Taking care of others, by donating your time, attention, or resources is proven to boost well being more than self-care.

So, take heart in the knowledge that only about 10% of your happiness is threatened by these circumstantial conditions. The other 40% can be under your control if you learn the response strategies that can help you and your family thrive or bounce back from hardship.